People are always asking me, “How are you?”
What am I supposed to say when I don’t even know how I am.
How am I supposed to be?
How do they want me to be? That is more like it…how would you like me to be?
I get up every morning, with struggle, but I do it because I know that is what is expected of me.
I go to work and try to be the super star everyone has always expected from me…hell, I even expected it from me. Lack of ambition and drive were never a weakness to me.
I put on my make-up, wash my hair, and put on the warrior face everyday. “How are you, they ask?” “I’m okay and how are you.” I respond.
I act as they wish me to act…
But they don’t see the demons in my head at night, once the sun sets behind the sky. The overwhelming loneliness that has become my life. My new life.
I’m supposed to find a different life they tell me, my old life is gone and I will never be the same, especially after losing a child to suicide…this is what the experts tell me.
But the thing is, I don’t want a new life…I liked my old life. I miss my old life and all the little things I took for granted.
I miss cooking dinner at night while Jewels did her homework.
I miss getting take-out at Miguel’s Jr. on Tuesday nights.
I miss hugging her.
I miss smelling her.
I miss her laugh.
I miss her burps.
I miss her kind soul, when she would get mad at me for being mean.
I miss her messy room.
I miss the towels on the floor.
I miss her beside me while I drove her to school.
I miss my best friend.
I miss my daughter.
I miss her…
If you know someone who is thinking of suicide, talk to them, comfort them and let them know that they are not alone, help is everywhere, they don’t really want to die, they just want the pain to end.
Go to: suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photography By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright: March 12, 2017