Monthly Archives: March 2017

LITTLE REMINDERS

30 Thursday Mar 2017

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LITTLE REMINDERS

I’m driving home from a weekend in the Eastern Sierra Mountains. A place that has always brought me peace; except for recently, the peace has been replaced with the deepest sadness and despair.

Am I crying as I drive through the winding hills and valleys? I must be, although I don’t seem to notice much anymore, considering this an everyday occurrence.

Hopelessness washes over me as I fiddle with the iPod left behind, but has somehow become my security blanket into her mind.

Randomly the song changes from the Eagles to Blink 182, one of her favorite bands. It’s a song I have not heard, called Not Now. I intently listen to the lyrics… instantly mesmerized by them.

The song calls out to me…”God has a plan for you”
“I will be waiting”
“I wish I could give you one last kiss”

As the tears stream down my face, I look up to the mountains, covered with powdery, white snow and see a cross. As clear as day… a cross in the mountain formed from the melting snow.

At that moment a sense of comfort washes over me…she is always here with me and waiting for the day I will see her again.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright March 30, 2017

SIBLINGS

25 Saturday Mar 2017

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I’m re-blogging this one for you! The website for siblings dealing with the death of a sibling to suicide has been update.

Ask Ms Mandi

SIBLINGS…

SISTERS 07.2015

When a child dies, especially to suicide and so young, everyone seems to focus on the parents, and their pain and sorrow, and especially the mother’s anguish.

However, sometimes there are siblings who are forgotten. They too have a special kind of loss.

She has lost their best friend.

Who will she share their future memories?

Who will she call late at night when she just needs someone there to listen to her and to laugh with her?

Who will be her Maid of Honor at her wedding?

Who will she call with the great news that she will be an aunt?

Who will she roll her eyes at during Thanksgiving dinner when annoying family members show up at the door?

Who will she talk to about “Remember when’s…”?

Who will she share her memories? And who will she create new memories?

This is especially hard when she is…

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ANGELS

23 Thursday Mar 2017

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ANGELS

Angels are all around us, with the reminder of…
a simple thought,
a shiver down our spine,
a song,
a poem,
a kind word,
a rainbow,
a hummingbird,
a butterfly,
a thoughtful gesture,
a memory.
Why are they here, but to remind us that we are not alone.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright March 23, 2017

REALISTIC

20 Monday Mar 2017

Posted by in Poems

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REALISTIC

I spend time in your room,
I look at your photographs,
I listen to your videos,
I read your poetry,
but I don’t feel that you were real.

I see you,
I know you were real,
I can still smell you,
I know you are with me,
but I don’t feel you.

Perhaps it’s my mind’s way of protecting me from what’s real,
I don’t want to believe you’re gone,
I don’t want to put your things away,
Perhaps, if I just pretend you were real, you will not go away,
I think not.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: JCW

Copyright: March 20, 2017

THE MASK

12 Sunday Mar 2017

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THE MASK

People are always asking me, “How are you?”

What am I supposed to say when I don’t even know how I am.

How am I supposed to be?

How do they want me to be? That is more like it…how would you like me to be?

I get up every morning, with struggle, but I do it because I know that is what is expected of me.

I go to work and try to be the super star everyone has always expected from me…hell, I even expected it from me. Lack of ambition and drive were never a weakness to me.

I put on my make-up, wash my hair, and put on the warrior face everyday. “How are you, they ask?” “I’m okay and how are you.” I respond.

I act as they wish me to act…

But they don’t see the demons in my head at night, once the sun sets behind the sky. The overwhelming loneliness that has become my life. My new life.

I’m supposed to find a different life they tell me, my old life is gone and I will never be the same, especially after losing a child to suicide…this is what the experts tell me.

But the thing is, I don’t want a new life…I liked my old life. I miss my old life and all the little things I took for granted.

I miss cooking dinner at night while Jewels did her homework.
I miss getting take-out at Miguel’s Jr. on Tuesday nights.
I miss hugging her.
I miss smelling her.
I miss her laugh.
I miss her burps.
I miss her kind soul, when she would get mad at me for being mean.
I miss her messy room.
I miss the towels on the floor.
I miss her beside me while I drove her to school.
I miss my best friend.
I miss my daughter.
I miss her…

If you know someone who is thinking of suicide, talk to them, comfort them and let them know that they are not alone, help is everywhere, they don’t really want to die, they just want the pain to end.

Call: 1-800-273-TALK
Go to: suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photography By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright: March 12, 2017

NICOTINE

09 Thursday Mar 2017

Posted by in POEMS By Jewels

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NICOTINE
JCW
03/09/17

I wonder what love is
When I press my lips up to yours
I feel its lust but you say it’s love.

And when I press a cigarette against my lips
I wonder what love is
Love, this isn’t it, only addiction.

It feels more like love, though
Rather than your lips, a cigarette
Making my lungs full.

It feels safer, though
People say cigarettes are bad and addictive
But I say it’s you.

Photography By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright 03.09.2017

FIREWORKS

02 Thursday Mar 2017

Posted by in POEMS By Jewels

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Poem By: Jewels

03-02-2017

Firework
JCW
02/08/16

Life is just like a firework
it soars and screams
Upward it flies
The upward journey
is loud and significant
Life is like a firework
The rocket then pops
and sparks.
It is the climax
And then the colors disappear
Into NOTHINGNESS.
Life is like a firework.