DEPRESSION IS NOT A CHOICE…

JCW
03/31/2016 – Seven Months and 26 days before she left this earth.

Depression is not a choice. When people ask what it feels like, I don’t even have to think.

It’s like you’re underwater drowning. You forget how to swim. You used to know how, but not anymore. You’re incapable of swimming, so you sink to the bottom of the pool.

Nobody knows you’re drowning. They just think you’re underwater. Casually swimming and you try to call for help, but nobody can hear you. Even if they could, you’ll be shamed.

Your voice is gone. Your mind is all dark. No more everyday happy thoughts and people should not just say, “I’m depressed.” when they’re feeling down because depression is feeling down everyday for months and years.

You’re in this sad box that is locked. You can’t escape. It’s become a part of you…you’re friend, that you don’t want. They will yell at you, scream at the top of their lungs. And you can try to get them to leave you alone, but they’re not going anywhere.

People will say it’s a phase and you wish it was, but it isn’t. You can’t just snap your fingers and be depression free. It takes a long time to recover.

Depression is not cute. It is not something you want. It is not a trend. It is an illness and a bad one too. Having depression is not a sad thought every once in a while, it is not cutting yourself and showing everybody.

Really, it’s about not being able to get out of bed to shower, eat, start your day. It’s staying up until two in the morning thinking about things because you believe you’re a failure and that’s what it will get you to think.

You will begin to know to yourself that you’re useless, and that nobody will want you.

Sad, huh? It’s in your head. Depression is a bad illness and when people compare people who have depression, that’s even worse. Like you can’t become depressed because your parents got a divorce, because somebody else’s parents were killed.

You can’t put a price on sadness and you’ll think, “Oh, God, please someone save me, anyone”, but the only person who could save you is yourself.

It will take a while too.

Do something you love, people will say. They clearly don’t understand that anything you do will not make you happy. You are sick…It isn’t a two-day thing, but I will not be shamed for my depression.

I will always have it in the back of my head, and even though it may make me want to give up, I will not. I will not give up when I have made it this far.

Don’t blame people who are trying hard to make it through their day. So in the end, you have to remember: Depression is not a choice.

-Jewels