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~ A California Girl living in Montana

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Tag Archives: Faith

Head Full of Lies

28 Friday Apr 2017

Posted by Ask Ms Mandi in Just a PERFECT Thought, Poems

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Addiction, Dead, Faith, Family, Happiness, Hope, Loss, Love, Memories, Pain, Siblings, Sisters, Smile, Suicide, TEEN DEPRESSION, The Jewels' Angels Foundation

April 28, 2017

She felt as though her days were limitless

Her heart ached, her soul empty

Longing for the once happy life, the sunshine that would make her smile

Laughter, bonding, memories, happiness

Distant, now it was all so distant

What happened?

Why did he take her?

Why did she take herself,

herself away from me?

Now there is little happiness

A simple smile is painful, but she does it anyway

Faking happiness, telling herself she is okay

Xanax numbs the pain,

Alcohol makes living okay,

But inside she is dead.

-PMW

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Excerpt form Manuscript – Julian’s Voice

20 Thursday Apr 2017

Posted by Ask Ms Mandi in Excerpt from Manuscript - Julian's Voice

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Adolescence, Author, Awareness, Book, California, Cutting, DEATH VALLEY, Faith, Family, Help, Love, Manuscript, Non-profits, Parents, Photography, Suicide, Support Groups, TEEN DEPRESSION, The Jewels' Angels Foundation, Therapy

Excerpt from Manuscript – Julian’s Voice

“Chris, don’t you dare hang up on me!  Are you there?  Damn it, he hung up…”

“No, I’m still here.”

“What are you going to do?  Are you going to tell your mom?”  She asked.

“Of course not.  She will freak.”

“But, how are you going to hide it?  Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to cut where anyone can see…especially not on your arms.”

“I know, I’ll just wear sweatshirts to school.”  Chris replied.

“But, Chris…it’s over a hundred degrees all week.  That will be obvious.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Why did you do it?”  Why did you start cutting again?  It’s been almost a year that you’ve been clean.”

“I don’t know…I just get so depressed some days.  It’s the only way I feel that I am still alive…I feel so dead inside, you know what I mean?”

She did know what he meant, sadly to say, she did.

 

THE JEWELS’ ANGELS FOUNDATION, INC.

A NON-PROFIT 

 

 

Written By:  Ask Ms Mandi

Photograph By:  Ask Ms Mandi

Copyright April 20, 2017

 

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FAITH

03 Monday Apr 2017

Posted by Ask Ms Mandi in Just a PERFECT Thought, Photographs from Art Gallery

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Adolescence, Author, Charities, Faith, Family, Friends, Help, Love, Non-profits, Photography, Suicide, Support Groups, TEEN DEPRESSION, The Jewels' Angels Foundation

FAITH

Faith to believe in something greater than who we are and where you are today.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright April 2017

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DEPRESSION IS NOT A CHOICE

10 Tuesday Jan 2017

Posted by Ask Ms Mandi in POEMS By Jewels

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Agents, Books, California, Children, Faith, Family, Hope, Love, Mothers, Novel, Published, Relationships, Writers

DEPRESSION IS NOT A CHOICE…

SISTERS 07.2015

JCW
03/31/2016 – Seven Months and 26 days before she left this earth.

Depression is not a choice. When people ask what it feels like, I don’t even have to think.

It’s like you’re underwater drowning. You forget how to swim. You used to know how, but not anymore. You’re incapable of swimming, so you sink to the bottom of the pool.

Nobody knows you’re drowning. They just think you’re underwater. Casually swimming and you try to call for help, but nobody can hear you. Even if they could, you’ll be shamed.

Your voice is gone. Your mind is all dark. No more everyday happy thoughts and people should not just say, “I’m depressed.” when they’re feeling down because depression is feeling down everyday for months and years.

You’re in this sad box that is locked. You can’t escape. It’s become a part of you…you’re friend, that you don’t want. They will yell at you, scream at the top of their lungs. And you can try to get them to leave you alone, but they’re not going anywhere.

People will say it’s a phase and you wish it was, but it isn’t. You can’t just snap your fingers and be depression free. It takes a long time to recover.

Depression is not cute. It is not something you want. It is not a trend. It is an illness and a bad one too. Having depression is not a sad thought every once in a while, it is not cutting yourself and showing everybody.

Really, it’s about not being able to get out of bed to shower, eat, start your day. It’s staying up until two in the morning thinking about things because you believe you’re a failure and that’s what it will get you to think.

You will begin to know to yourself that you’re useless, and that nobody will want you.

Sad, huh? It’s in your head. Depression is a bad illness and when people compare people who have depression, that’s even worse. Like you can’t become depressed because your parents got a divorce, because somebody else’s parents were killed.

You can’t put a price on sadness and you’ll think, “Oh, God, please someone save me, anyone”, but the only person who could save you is yourself.

It will take a while too.

Do something you love, people will say. They clearly don’t understand that anything you do will not make you happy. You are sick…It isn’t a two-day thing, but I will not be shamed for my depression.

I will always have it in the back of my head, and even though it may make me want to give up, I will not. I will not give up when I have made it this far.

Don’t blame people who are trying hard to make it through their day. So in the end, you have to remember: Depression is not a choice.

-Jewels

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Excerpt from Manuscript – Snow

24 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by Ask Ms Mandi in Excerpt from Manuscript - SNOW

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Tags

Addiction, Author, Books, Faith, God, Help, Hope, Love, Magazine, Manuscript, Novel, Published, Relationships, Religion, Short-story, Suicide, Therapy, Writer

SNOW

IMG_4798

“Oh my God, Jack. I am so sorry.” January had no words.

“It’s okay. I’m over it now.”

“Over it! How can you say such a thing. What happened is just terribly horrible. I don’t know what I would do, if that happened to me.”

“January, you are a strong girl. You would get over it and move on.”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you would and just like me. I know I sound heartless, but there are only two ways to go in a situation like this, you can either not accept it and go insane or you can accept it and move on. I am not the insane one, he was. I can’t beat up on myself for his poor choices and his insanity.”

“Gosh Jack…I don’t know if I could be as brave as you. That’s a lot of stress for a kid, you know.”

“January, we are not kids. We may be only 17 years old, but we are both much older than our years and very wise.” He reached down, pulling her face up to his, softly kissing her sultry lips.

“I love you, do you know that…do you Jack?” At that moment, she realized actually how much she really loved this man.

“I know that, silly girl. I love you too. You are my hero!”

She smiled sadly, knowing she would always love him and would do anything for him… she knew she would even die for him, but she hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: PMW
Copyright August 24, 2016

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Excerpt from Manuscript – Dear Paxton

07 Sunday Aug 2016

Posted by Ask Ms Mandi in Excerpt from Manuscript - Dear Paxton

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Tags

Addiction, Author, Blogging, Books, Break-ups, Broken, Couples, Divorce, Dreams, Faith, Family, Literary Agents, Love, Manuscript, Relationships, Women, Writers

Excerpt from Manuscript – Dear Paxton

Ms Mandi Photo 1

Lisa ran into the bathroom, with black streaks running down her once made up, pretty face. She stared at herself in the mirror with disgust.

How could she have been so stupid? Why had she believed his lies, once again? Will she ever learn?

“I hate you!” She screamed, hitting her fists hard against the bathroom mirror. The mirror with the pretty, little flowers…the flowers she had painted on it earlier. But now she hated them, hated how they stared back at her, mocking her.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright 1999

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Excerpt from Manuscript – Snow

11 Wednesday May 2016

Posted by Ask Ms Mandi in Excerpt from Manuscript - SNOW

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Tags

Addiction, Author, Authors, Blogging, Break-ups, Broken, California, Children, Cocaine, Couples, Dreams, Drugs, Faith, Family, Hope, Literary Agents, Loss, Love, Marijuana, Mothers, Photography, Publishers, Relationships, Travel, Women, Writers

Excerpt – SNOW

Tulips 05.11.2016

“I know you’re lying!”

January knew he only lied when he was using. She had lived with the cycle for long enough to see the subtle changes in his behavior. She used to laugh about it, saying he was two-faced, but in reality it wasn’t funny.

She had been living with this man’s ups and downs for nearly twenty-seven years.

“I’m not lying, baby.”

“I know you didn’t go to work today, Jack, your boss called.”

“What a prick. He has had it out for me since the first day I started.”

Jack always knew what to say. Nothing was ever his fault, it was always the other guy.

January had come to a point when she no longer fought, it was easier to just accept it. Her best friend had told her once, you made your bed, now lie in it. She guessed she had.

“Jack, what are we going to do. We need money for our mortgage.”

“Don’t worry baby, I will get you the money.”

“How? You just lost your job.” January cried.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head, I will take care of it and have your mortgage money to you by Friday.”

It was always Friday, but he could no longer keep his promises. His lies were starting to catch up with him, they were drowning him and her and their family. Poor Bella, she didn’t deserve any of this.

“Jack, I can’t take this anymore. You always get fired after two weeks, why is that?”

“I told you baby, he was a prick. I will find another job, didn’t I tell you not to worry?”

“Hi, Daddy, are we going to have to move again?” Bella had just walked into our conversation, holding her ice cream in her hand, as it melted, dripping down her arm.

It was always the same story, but nothing was getting better. She knew why he lost his job after two weeks, it wasn’t because of any other reason, but he was using again.

He had just gotten paid two days before and now he had changed, January saw it, his boss saw it, and now Bella saw it.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright May 11, 2016

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Excerpt from Manuscript – Snow

20 Wednesday Apr 2016

Posted by Ask Ms Mandi in Excerpt from Manuscript - SNOW

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Tags

Abuse, Agents, Author, Books, Cocaine, Drugs, Editor, Faith, Fiction, Hope, Journey, Love, Novel, Painting, Poetry, snow, Tree

SNOW

Jewels' Painting 04.16.2016

Slowly day by day your fairy tale turns into a nightmare. And what is left of you is an empty, shallow shell…a non-existent person that he couldn’t love and no one will love again.

Like I said…I could be married like my girlfriends, but I made the choice to leave…I made the choice to fight…I made the choice to survive and to live again.

That’s the problem, you see, and the hardest part…the part that I could have it all back again; the horror, the fights, and the abuse, but I just couldn’t live like that and I want to live.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Oil Painting By: JCW
Copyright April 2016

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NO TLC

17 Sunday Apr 2016

Posted by Ask Ms Mandi in Authors of the Week

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Tags

Authors, Despair, Faith, Healing, Hope, Juvenille, Literature, Live, Love, Poems, Teenagers, Writers, Youth

NO TLC

Kalaheo, Kauai, HI 11.2016

I’m like a flower.
You picked me
and you loved me,
but after a while,
you forgot to water me
and I was dying, literally,
for you to come back.
To give me some water,
but I started wilting…
and you finally noticed
that you forgot about me,
but now, though,
I was lifeless, dead.
So you threw me away.

Written By: JCW
Copyright: April 16, 2016

Photograph By:  JCW

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Excerpt from Manuscript – Snow

10 Sunday Apr 2016

Posted by Ask Ms Mandi in Excerpt from Manuscript - SNOW

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Agents, Art Galleries, Authors, Blogging, Books, Break-ups, Broken, California, Couples, Dreams, Faith, Hope, Loss, Love, Novels, Publishers, Relationships, Separation, Women, Writers

Excerpt from Manuscript – SNOW

photo (8)

“He’s right you know…I’ve never had a happy ending that lasted.”

“Come on Jan, it can’t be that bad.”

“Mimi, it is. I just feel so lost without Jack.” January said, biting down on her lip.

“I know you are sweetie. Have you visited him lately?”

“Not really. It’s so hard. He’s still really angry with me. I guess I deserve it.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You don’t deserve any of this.”

“I’m not so sure about that. It is my fault Jack isn’t here right now.”

“Jan, it is definitely not your fault. Jack made his own choices. You didn’t force his hand into getting back into meth nor did you make him get onto his motorcycle, when he was totally high.” Mimi said, nursing the rest of her wine.

“Mimi, now you’re not being fair. If I wouldn’t have pushed him so hard and driven him to be so damn perfect, in only my sense of course, none of this would have happened!”

“Jan, you need to let it go. It will only destroy you.”

“I know, but I can’t.”

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright April 2016

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