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Excerpt form Manuscript – Julian’s Voice

20 Thursday Apr 2017

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Excerpt from Manuscript – Julian’s Voice

“Chris, don’t you dare hang up on me!  Are you there?  Damn it, he hung up…”

“No, I’m still here.”

“What are you going to do?  Are you going to tell your mom?”  She asked.

“Of course not.  She will freak.”

“But, how are you going to hide it?  Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to cut where anyone can see…especially not on your arms.”

“I know, I’ll just wear sweatshirts to school.”  Chris replied.

“But, Chris…it’s over a hundred degrees all week.  That will be obvious.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Why did you do it?”  Why did you start cutting again?  It’s been almost a year that you’ve been clean.”

“I don’t know…I just get so depressed some days.  It’s the only way I feel that I am still alive…I feel so dead inside, you know what I mean?”

She did know what he meant, sadly to say, she did.

 

THE JEWELS’ ANGELS FOUNDATION, INC.

A NON-PROFIT 

 

 

Written By:  Ask Ms Mandi

Photograph By:  Ask Ms Mandi

Copyright April 20, 2017

 

NINE LIVES – JCW

29 Sunday Jan 2017

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NINE LIVES

nine-lives-jcw-02-19-2016

I just found this poem Jewels wrote, she wrote last February 2016. I think it’s probably one of the saddest of them all, but such a great insight into the mind of someone suffering from depression:

JCW
02/19/16

NINE LIVES

One:
Full of happiness
Giggles and laughter
Innocence is not lost

Two:
A new friend today
I am still young
Pure like clouds

Three:
Adolescence
Not all is happy
My smile is still big

Four:
You fill me with joy
Pure joy
I am happy

Five:
Gone, just like that.
I’m so confused-
Why am I getting so many chances?

Six:
Torn, ripped
Broken and bruised
Innocence is lost

Seven:
Happiness is gone
Let me give up
I’m so, so tired.

Eight:
Shaking, like I’m freezing
Can’t do this much longer.
Why’s life unfair?

Nine:
Damaged.
Nothing but bad memories.
I miss life one.

FINALLY, I AM DEAD.

Excerpt from Manuscript – Snow

02 Wednesday Nov 2016

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Excerpt from Manuscript – Snow

october-2016-209

The wooden bench had turned out to be a bad idea, as the beginning of the first frost escalated the startling cold that was quickly creeping up and under her skin.

January didn’t seem to notice much, as she was lost in thought. She was annoyed with herself…more like in disbelief…how could she not have seen the signs.

She had loved this man for more than half her life, but somehow she had missed it.

Earlier that day she had spoken, on the phone, with an old friend…a friend who had brought it to her attention that Jack had been using throughout their life together. She knew that he smoked weed, but cocaine? Or as her friend had kindly put it, whatever drug was available that day.

She had always blamed the weed for his mood swings, his fits of anger, and his sudden outburst of violence. She herself had become co-dependent, wanting him to smoke so that he would be numb enough to be kind to her.

She had fallen into the vicious cycle of the poor pathetic wife who deserved what she had accepted. She despised women like this, but yet she had become the spitting image of just that.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright November 2, 2016

THE MONSTER UNDER MY BED

14 Wednesday Sep 2016

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THE MONSTER UNDER MY BED

arcata-ca-july-2016-084

No one will believe me…I tell myself, as I try to drift off to sleep.

But sleep doesn’t come easy to me these days. I lay here in the dark, wondering if I would be happier, if I wasn’t me.

This is silly, I tell myself. I have people who love me. My mom loves me, but sometimes it feels as if she doesn’t understand me. But then again…what adult does truly understand a teenage mind.

One or two? I take that back. Zero.

Depression surrounds me, but I must not let it draw me in. I’m really trying, but there are days when I wonder if it is enough.

Written By: Unanimous Author
Photograph By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright September 14, 2016

Excerpt from Manuscript – SNOW

17 Wednesday Aug 2016

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Excerpt from SNOW…

08.03.2016

January couldn’t help but stare. It didn’t feel real. She felt as if she were in a dream. Her once perfect life seemed to have shattered. Everything she had once known was gone.

She felt betrayed. She was lost. Defeat became her.

But she couldn’t help but think how beautiful it looked. It looked just like snow. Soft white snow that had fallen down onto the glassy, icy lake.

She was startled, seeing herself looking back through her own reflection in the mirror.

“Baby, what are you doing?” January jumped, half out of her skin.

“Woa…there baby girl. Are you okay?”

“My God, Jack. You scared me half to death.”

“What are you doing? We are all outside on the patio playing Quarters.”

“I was just coming back. I got lost, I guess. I didn’t know Ice did cocaine?”

“I guess…” Jack stammered.

“Did you know?” January asked.

“Of course not…how would I know!” Jack snapped.

“I don’t know, Jack. Calm down…I was just asking. What’s your problem?”

“No problem, babe. Let’s get back to the party and get another beer. You in?”

“Sure…” January replied, looking back at the table.

“Jack, may I ask you a question?’

“Sure.”

“Never mind.” January knew better to ask him, besides, she already knew the answer, so why bother.

January smiled weakly up at Jack as he pulled her hand, leading her across the room.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright: August 2016

The Lost Diary of Jane Doe

03 Wednesday Aug 2016

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The Lost Diary of Jane Doe…

Photo_Chair_061513 001

As she sat in front of the full-length mirror, intently staring into it, but not really seeing anything, she glanced down at the telegram that now lay crumpled up on her lap.

She felt numb, as no tears came. She knew she should cry or scream or laugh, just something, but she couldn’t. All sense of any emotion had escaped her.

It was funny to her, but all she was concerned with, at that very moment, was that she didn’t mess up her mascara or her prettily made-up face. She had spent hours on her make-up, spending thousands of dollars on her beautifully crafted, red-velvet dress, and even more on the stupid party.

The party that was going on downstairs and which she should have been attending with the man of her dreams on her arm, but instead she was lost in her own thoughts and paralyzed to her chair, without any destination of leaving her white-oak vanity desk.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright: August 2016

Excerpt from Manuscript Snow

09 Saturday Jul 2016

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SNOW

IMG_4487

Dear Diary:

Casually watching my foot steps leaving the softest of impressions in the sand, making me ponder over my life and the choices I had made. I had been called co-dependent before, but hadn’t fully understood the meaning behind it. Surely, I wasn’t the one with the problem. I wasn’t the addict.

I was normal, I had followed all the rules. I was a good girl, growing up in a well-to-do family in the suburbs, eating most my vegetables, attending church on Sundays, not talking back to my elders, graduating from high school and eventually graduating from college with honors and two Masters’ Degrees to show for all my hard work. I was the one following all the rules. I am not the one with the problem.

But, today my therapist told me a different ending. I was just like the addict, I was addicted to covering up for the addict. I was trying to save him. I loved him and to be honest with myself, I loved him more than I loved me. Just like an addict loves their drug of choice more than themselves, more than their wife, more than their mother, and more than their children. They would die for their addiction, just like I would have died for you.

But I’m not the addict, you are.

January set down her pen, reaching for the box of tissues, as the tears streamed down her face. Today had been one of the hardest days of her life and probably ever to come again. She had to say good-bye to Jack, he would kill her if she let him. He was drowning and pulling her down into the current with him.

But she was a survivor, she was stronger than he. She had the will to fight and gain back the control she had relinquished on the day she had accepted his drug addiction, thinking she could save him and not knowing she couldn’t, but no more. She wanted to live and she knew now that she must face these demons on her own and without Jack.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright July 9, 2016

Excerpt from Manuscript – Snow

29 Wednesday Jun 2016

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Excerpt from SNOW

photo (9)

He was waiting for her, as she pulled up. She pretended not to notice him sitting on the grass in front of her apartment, but she felt his gaze burning a hole through her soul.

She thought if she looked down, playing with the callous on the palm of her hand, he would get bored and look away, but when she raised her head, peeking up and over her lashes, she caught his intent stare.

His eyes were black…black as the night.

She knew he was mad, but she didn’t care, well maybe a little, but not really. What the hell did he have to be mad with her anyway. She was the one who should be mad.

After all, he was the one who had broken up with her. Maybe she had broken up with him, but he had deserved it. He was going down a path she didn’t approve, nor did she wish to partake.

“Did you think I would just go away?”

“Jack, I’m too tired to deal with this right now, besides your high.”

“Damn it January. You always say that, but I’m not. I quit using, just like you asked me to.”

“That’s bullshit, Jack and you know it! And the least you can do is to tell the truth, for once in your life.”

“Maybe, I just did a little.”

“Exactly! Like I said, goodnight Jack.” She ran up the stairs, quickly looking down at him. She didn’t want him to see her tears, but it was too late.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright June 29, 2016

PALM SPRINGS, CA

22 Wednesday Jun 2016

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PALM SPRINGS, CA

palm-springs-hotel_1115111.jpg

When I took this picture, I was somewhat spooked by this place. The photo is processed as a black and white, but the true image of this hotel was a sanitary green.

I remember walking down the street with my camera in tow, hanging from my neck, and being mystified when I came upon this mysterious residence. Something about it captivated my interest. I felt compelled to photograph it. It was almost as if the hotel was speaking to me.

I stood there for a few minutes, looking around, noticing the vacancy of the windows, the sadness of the structure, and the beauty of the architecture. I suddenly wanted to be a visitor there and it made me wonder, almost feel sad, who had visited this structure in the past. What stories did it hold?

I continued to stare into the empty windows, almost seeing those who had been inside long ago. Were there ghosts? Did something tragic happen inside? Or did it only hold happy memories of long ago vacations with children running up and down the halls, searching for a game to play, or perhaps a poolside cabana with their parents, to sit and read, while resting from a long week’s work in the city.

We will never know, nor will we ever be able to visit again. The hotel, along with the other structures on that street, in Palm Springs, have since been torn down. All we have now are memories and the photographs that have once captured the hotel’s ambiance and mystery.

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright June 22, 2016

Excerpt from Manuscript – Dear Paxton

30 Monday May 2016

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 Excerpt from Dear Paxton

05.30.2016
  
Quickly, she turned on her heels, grabbing her purse, while proceeding to slam the door harshly behind her on her way out and down the stairs.  Large crocodile tears spilled down her checks as she ran through the apartment complex, desperately searching for her car. 

She needed to get away, as for away as she could.  She knew he could find her if he wanted to and this she did not want. 

He had crushed her heart beyond repair now.  Not only had he turned his back on her, but he had also turned his back on his own flesh and blood. 

She loved this baby growing inside of her, but she knew she couldn’t raise it on her own.  She knew what she had to do, it wasn’t going to be easy, but she no longer had a choice of what she wanted anymore. 

She had tried, fighting for her baby with all her might, but she had lost the battle. 

Written By: Ask Ms Mandi
Photograph By: Ask Ms Mandi
Copyright May 30, 2016